We are like islands in the sea, separated on the surface but connected in the deep.
William James When I got the idea to write this column, I almost discarded the notion, because I thought it might be too difficult to pull off. I worried the joke would run out of steam before the column ended.
It’s happened before. In fact, I wrote a sarcastic essay about marijuana in college and my English professor was not amused. In fact, he wrote a note on my paper that said the joke stopped being funny after the first two paragraphs. It was a scolding that traumatized me for years.
But I decided to forge ahead with my risky column idea and court failure. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, you know.
So, let’s get to it. An assessment will follow.
Sunday was a week ago. I stumbled across a meme reminding me that Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run to break Henry Aaron’s record on Aug. 7, 2007. I remember seeing Bonds hit it on television, and I remember Aaron congratulating Bonds on the big screen out in San Francisco’s AT&T Park. At the time, I felt a little sad for Barry, because the event had almost none of the excitement generated by Aaron’s pursuit of Ruth. Part of that is certainly due the PED’s Bonds is alleged to have used.
Facebook users were eager to comment on the photo, so I decided to peruse some of the responses.
As you might expect, it was a major poopy show.
After a dozen or so accusations that Barry cheated, someone observed that PEDs don’t help with hand-eye coordination. Deep into the feed someone defended Bonds and claimed Aaron used amphetamines. I thought it was unnecessary to drag poor Henry into the hateful thread, but social media shows little mercy. By the time I got to the bottom of the comments it seemed necessary to blame something on Trump, but I resisted the temptation.
But it got me thinking. What if social media had existed on July 18, 1921, the date 25-year-old Babe Ruth hit a 575-foot moonshot in Detroit and overtook Roger Conner as baseball’s all-time home run leader. Hmmm?
What if I could kidnap Al Gore, go back in time and let him invent an internet for the flappers of the Roaring Twenties.
In all likelihood, civilization as we know it would not have survived a century of TikTok, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.
But it might have been fun for our great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents, or great-great-great-grand-parents to have social media outlets, so they could express half-baked opinions and insult other Americans they do not know.
So, let’s explore this thought experiment. Let’s picture a photo of Babe Ruth in the newsfeed with an announcement that he is now baseball’s all-time tater tomahawker.
Perhaps the comments would go something like this:@ Jimmy D. Locke Ruth obviously cheats. How is it possible that the gluttonous hot dog fiend is even able to run around the bases?
@Bill Dickey Say what you want, but Ruth hits the ball harder and farther than any man I ever saw.
@Slim Chance When Connor was playing, the baseball had a round rubber core. Ruth benefitted from the livelier cork-centered ball.
@Page Turner I can show you how to make $5 a month at home. Just click the link below to find out how: notascam. com @Leo Tard Ruth made the outrageous sum of $25,000 last year and also gets $50 per home run. According to the New York Times, he paid almost no taxes last year. It’s time he paid his fair share.
@Bob White Republican president Warren G. Harding only wants to lower taxes for his wealthy friends like Babe Ruth and doesn’t care about the common man. Plus, I’ve heard a rumor that his Secretary of the Interior, Albert Fall, is going to prison for his role in the Teapot Dome scandal. HE TOOK BRIBES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! The whole administration is corrupt. That’s why the price of gasoline has risen to an outrageous 20 cents a gallon.
@Fred Trump (replying to Bob White) That’s fake news. Albert is just the fall guy.
@X. Marks Despot Harding and Coolidge are pals with Vladimir Lenin who helped them win the election against James Cox and Franklin
@Mike Checkers
Warren G. Harding is an existential threat to American Democracy.
@Real Warren G. Harding Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.
@Rodney King
Can’t we all just get along?
Notice! All accounts in this thread except for @Bill Dickey and @ Rodney King have been suspended for violations of T. Michael Stone’s rudeness policies. Moral: Each time you say something mean, you inject a little poison into bloodstream of humanity. So, be nicer if you can.
I’ll try to remember that myself.
Assessment: B . . . For Brilliant. But then my IQ is also one of the highest.
Selah.