POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesmen, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
From “The Devil’s Dictionary,” by Ambrose Bierce
I may take a break from my role as Lake Country’s preeminent columnist and social commentator in order to become a political consultant.
This seems like the perfect year for such a move.
Trump isn’t on the ballot, so engaging in a little political discussion won’t engender mass hysteria right off the bat, and the number of candidates promises lucrative consulting fees if I can convince some of them to hire me.
We have five Republicans poised to run against Jon Ossoff for the U.S. Senate, and 15 candidates who want to be Georgia’s governor. Ten more want to be the Lt. Governor, including the first Muslim woman ever elected to the Georgia State Senate, Nabilah Parkes. For what it’s worth, Nabilah means “honorable” in Arabic.
We have three Democrats and three Republicans running for the District 10 seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. Incumbent Michael Collins wants to head north through the tunnel at the U.S Capitol building and become a Senator. I wonder if he is still upset with NASA for not letting him walk on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Capra.
Oh, wait. Capra was a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. Buzz Aldrin was the astronaut.
Sorry, I’m getting old and sometimes mix up names.
Which is easy to do when you have a candidate for Lt. Governor named Richard Wright. When I saw the name, I first thought of the author of the iconic American novel Native Son, and then of the Pink Floyd piano player.
I know 73 people named Ernie.
I already have some ideas for political signs and catchy jingles, and I’m offering them to candidates for free this week only as a demonstration of my political savvy and creative genius.
To wit: Burt Jones: “Vote for Jones and watch the other guys try to keep up.”
Pretty good, hunh? He may be convinced he doesn’t need a catchy slogan, since he got the Trump endorsement; if not, Vernon Jones may want to use it in his campaign for Secretary of State.
How about this little song for gubernatorial candidate Chris Carr based on a Paul McCartney tune?
“Baby, you can vote for Carr. Yes, he’s gonna be a star. Baby, you can vote for Carr, and maybe he’ll like you.”
Here’s another Beatles tune for SOS candidate Penny Brown.
“Penny Brown is my ears and in my eyes there beneath the blue Atlanta skies.”
Please don’t send me emails telling me how amazing I am. I already know.
I even have a nickname for the candidate running for the District 42 seat in the Georgia State Senate: Brett GitRDunn.
I played around with some version of Hang Down Your Head, Derek Dooley, but there are too many syllables in his name to match the song, unless he wants to go by his middle name, Vince. Did you know Derek’s wife is a doctor, and his brother-in-law, Patrick Jeffers, played for the Denver Broncos when they won Super Bowl XXXII?
I also run attack ads if I’m properly compensated.
Here’s one for anyone running against Geoff Duncan: “That Geoff Duncan, he’s such a yoyo.” Since Duncan has left the Republican Party to become a Democrat, this works on two levels.
All of a sudden, I want to see if I can do the “Around the World” yoyo trick I could never master as a child. All I succeeded in doing was cutting off the circulation to my middle finger, which still gets stiff when someone cuts me off in traffic.
The candidate I am most intrigued by is Fulton County Commissioner Dana Barrett, who is running for Secretary of State.
This is a campaign I can sink my teeth into.
First, we get Bill Murray (as Dr. Peter Venkman) to endorse her.
Then we can release our Ghostbusters campaign slogan: “There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.”
Everyone gets a free refrigerator magnet. (Kudos if you got that last pop culture reference.)
Selah.
*From Ghostbusters, screenplay by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis