“You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. I will choose a clear path. I will choose Freewill.” — “Freewill,” Rush (Lee, Lifeson, Peart)
A lot of Republicans are going to be disappointed next Tuesday night. At least three Senate candidates will be eliminated, and two will probably have to keep campaigning until the June 16 runoff.
I couldn’t find any reliable polling I didn’t have to pay for, so I consulted magic-8ball.com about their chances. It said Michael Collins will win the Republican nomination and then defeat Jon Ossoff to become Georgia’s newest senator.
I then asked the ball about the governor’s race, but it was noncommittal: “Ask again later.” I got the same response when I asked about a new girlfriend: “Reply hazy. Ask again later.” So much for the magic eight ball.
According to WABE, GOP candidates are spending heavily as election day looms: “Lt. Gov. Burt Jones raised nearly $4.4 million in contributions and loaned himself another $17 million, while wealthy healthcare executive Rick Jackson has raised nearly $83.5 million, of which $83 million came from Jackson himself. Attorney General Chris Carr, who has raised over $5.3 million, and Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, who raised almost $1.1 million and loaned himself another $6 million, each spent over $4 million in hopes of making it into the runoff.”
Hold up a second—how on earth do you loan yourself money? Do you have to pay it back? If I don’t pay it back to myself, what recourse do I have? Can I repossess my own car? Or do I hire a collection agency and start sending myself unpleasant emails? Will my own phone number become spam?
I actually have a one-dollar bill in my wallet right now. Let’s see what happens when I loan it to myself. First, I put it back in my wallet. It’s mine, after all.
“What are you doing with that money?” I ask myself.
“I’m putting it in my wallet,” I say back.
“But it’s not your money anymore—you loaned it to me.”
“Not yet. First, we have to check your credit. And we’ll need to know what you plan to spend it on.”
“A Fantasy Five lottery ticket.”
“Sorry. Loan canceled. The chance of winning the Fantasy Five is 1 in 575,757. You’ll squander our money and we’ll have no way to get it back.”
OK, that’s enough of that. I’m probably more confused than you are. Plus, I’m starting to sound like a confounded Democrat.
Democrats have seven candidates running for governor, but Democrats have always preferred spending other people’s money, so they aren’t likely to need personal loans.
Further down the ballot, you’ve got three Democrats running for lieutenant governor because they hope a Republican governor will be unable to serve—much like the fate some imagine for Joe Biden.
Once that happens, the lieutenant governor becomes governor without having spent $80 million that the candidate didn’t have to begin with. We’ll call this the Kamala Harris strategy: get nominated and hope to win without doing much at all.
John Franklin King doesn’t have opposition in the primary as he seeks to return as Georgia’s Insurance and Fire Safety Commissioner. (I see his name in an elevator every day, along with an inspector named McLaughlin—I can only pray that the inspector knows what he’s doing. Then again, the building is only three stories; a broken-leg lawsuit might be quite lucrative.)
But Democrats are going to notice his website before the general election. I expect to see them gathered in front of Publix when they find votejohnking.com on his business cards.
Locally, four Republicans are running for the District 1 seat on the Greene County Board of Commissioners: Terry Lawler, Jason Easley, Keith Eley, and Williams Myers. I’ve met all but one of these men, and I’d bet that none of them have $4 million to contribute to their campaigns. If they did, they wouldn’t have to steal the election—they could easily give $100 to every registered voter.
Selah.