The name of American, which belongs to you in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of patriotism more than any appellation derived from local discriminations. With slight shades of difference, you have the same religion, manners, habits, and political principles. You have fought and triumphed together in a common cause. The independence and liberty you possess are the work of joint councils and joint efforts—of common dangers, sufferings, and successes.
George Washington’s farewell address
On Feb. 11, 1731, Augustine Washington and his new wife, Jane, had their first child. They named him George.
I know you believe G.W. was born on Feb. 22, but in 1752, the British Empire switched from the old Julian calendar to a new calendar established by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582. This had the effect of changing George Washington’s birth date to Feb. 22, 1732.
The decision eventually led to the Revolutionary War because people over 50 in the British colonies were unhappy.
“King George II just stole 376 days from me. This is intolerable. Anyone want to throw some tea in the ocean?”
But our George, who never became a king, eventually became commander-in-chief of the Continental Army and administered several butt-whippings to the British troops, including the decisive victory at the Battle of Yorktown.
“Who’s your daddy, Lord Cornwallis?”
After winning all those battles, Washington became the first man to be called Mr. President, which used to be a term of respect.
The impacts of early presidents like Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison are everywhere. The James Madison Inn in Madison is on Washington Street, which runs parallel to Jefferson Street.
Greene County is named after Nathanael Greene, who was Washington’s most trusted military man; Morgan County is named after another of Washington’s trusted generals, Daniel Morgan, who won the Battle of Cowpens in South Carolina. There are 16 Greene counties in the United States and 11 Morgan counties. (The Morgan counties in Utah and Colorado are named after other dudes.)
Israel Putnam also served under Washington and is sometimes credited with saying, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
Every round had to count.
If Hillary Clinton had been elected president in 2016, a major thoroughfare in Greensboro might have been named after her. Oh, wait, it’s already called Broad Street, isn’t it?
Oh, c’mon. That’s funny.
Since it’s Presidents’ Day, let’s look at some of the ridiculous things presidents have said over the last 50 years, including: “We will commence bombing Russia in five minutes,” Ronald Reagan.
“Read my lips: No new taxes,” George H.W. Bush.
“It’s no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another,” Bush 2.0. “I did not have sex with that woman,” Bill Clinton.
I would have more respect for Bill if he had used the word “broad.” But he was referring to Monica, wasn’t he?
Oh, c’mon. That’s funny, too.
But here’s something that’s not very funny.
Four sitting U.S. presidents have been assassinated, including Republicans Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, and William McKinley and Democrat John F. Kennedy.
Donald Trump, Ronald Reagan, and Teddy Roosevelt, all Republicans, were shot but did not die.
According to Wikipedia, Roosevelt’s would-be assassin said McKinley came to him in a dream and told him to kill Roosevelt.
(Coincidentally, Robert Duvall came to me in a dream and told me I would smell of napalm in the morning.)
Our current president says so many things that I lose track of them. His approval ratings range from 34 percent to 47 percent, but when I asked the internet if Donald Trump was a good person, 90 percent of the responses were overwhelmingly negative.
Here’s a particularly unpleasant response from Quora: “Trump is a grotesque specimen of a human being. He’s vile, narcissistic, ignorant, vindictive, impulsive, petty, stingy, corrupt, dishonest, shameless, bigoted, misogynistic, horribly insecure, paranoid, volatile, and, at times, delusional.”
Wow! Times have changed, G. Wash.
But according to my friend Amy, there is one thing all Americans can be thankful for: At least Trump’s teeth are in better shape than Washington’s. By the time George was inaugurated, he only had one real tooth left, according to Wikipedia.
Which led me to a lame food-related joke.
If you put LSD in caviar, it becomes a psychedelicacy.
Selah.