Back in Chicago, we don’t make bicycles anymore. It’s all human relations now. The eggheads sit around trying to figure out new ways for everybody to be happy. Nobody can get fired, no matter what, and if somebody does accidentally make a bicycle, the union accuses us of cruel and inhuman practices, and the government confiscates the bicycle for back taxes and gives it to a blind man in Afghanistan.
From Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut (1963)
According to a New York Times poll, 49 percent of American voters will choose Kamala Harris, while 47 percent prefer Donald Trump.
Balderdash! Half the population doesn’t really like either candidate.
I mean, would you rather drive a nail through your foot or set your lips on fire?
Not much of a choice either way, right?
But I am here to announce a less painful alternative.
You can vote for me, T. Michael Stone.
I recently received an endorsement from the editor of a fancy magazine and thought, well, why not? I can keep my job at the Lake Oconee News and still accomplish more as president than Joe Biden has.
So, what do you think, New York Times? Is it time to find out where T. Michael Stone stands in the battleground states? First, some bona fides.
For one thing, I come from a supremely patriotic family. My third great-grandfather’s name was James Monroe (Johnson), and he named one of his sons Grover Cleveland (Johnson) and another Christopher Columbus (Johnson). Also, one of the founding fathers who signed the Declaration of Independence was a man named Thomas Stone, which is what people would probably call me if my dad hadn’t been named Thomas Stone, too, and my parents didn’t want people calling me “Little Tom,” or so I was told.
Those facts alone should make you want to run down to the polling place right now and write in my name.
I’m sure I can make cognitive decline cool again in ways that Joe Biden couldn’t.
Two of my catchphrases will be “What was I just talking about?” and “I forgot what I was about to say.”
I plan to solve all the country’s problems in my first two years in office and spend the rest of my term flying around in Air Force One, going to Taylor Swift concerts, and the like.
At least I won’t be in Washington, D.C., spending taxpayer money on social programs that don’t work.
“What, pray tell, will you do about the border, T. Michael Stone?” you may ask.
That’s an easy one. I will annex Mexico and all of Central America down to the Panama Canal into the United States. There won’t be much point in crossing the Rio Grande after that.
I might as well gobble up all the islands in the Caribbean while I’m at it. Hey, it’s worked for Hawaii.
Belize will become a massive prison complex for members of MS-13 and MSNBC. Still, Costa Rica, Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and Panama will all become states with public universities and football programs. We can put them in the SEC with everybody else.
While the transition is taking place, we’ll need a new border czar to replace Kamala Harris, and I had Cheech and Chong in mind. Their work in “Up in Smoke” was quite impressive.
And just to show that I’m not a spoilsport, I will make it illegal to mispronounce Kamala’s name. Here's a hint for those who don’t know how to say it correctly. Just think of a chameleon, a kama chameleon.
Sing with me! “Kama, kama, kama, kama, kama chameleon.”
Look, I know it's karma chameleon, but the pronunciation of the first “a” is important. Otherwise, you sound like you’re talking about an Asian ungulate or an unfiltered cigarette.
After I’m elected, I shall wear a crown, carry a scepter, a crook, and flail, and sit on a throne at the White House. Members of my cabinet shall call me Pharoah.
Speaking of my cabinet, I shall retain Merrick Garland as my attorney general, but only so I can abuse him with my flail daily until he says, “Yes, Pharoah, I am a weasel.”
I might keep Alejandro Mayorkas, too, but he’ll have to dress like Zorro during cabinet meetings.
Pending a predetermined Tomatometer score, Dr. Janet Yellen will be replaced as Treasury Secretary by a Disney-created animated character.
Margaret Holmes will be Under Secretary.
The positions of Director of National Intelligence and Director of Central Intelligence will be suspended until we can determine if enough intelligence exists to justify the jobs.
Now I just need a running mate.
Selah.