That is one big pile of ____.
Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), Jurassic Park, screenplay by Michael Crichton and David Koepp
I watched the “Jurassic Park” film with my son when he was a little boy, and he kept rewinding the tape to hear Goldblum’s line about the Triceratops poop over and over. He laughed hysterically.
I don’t know precisely why the “s” word is so funny to kids, but I can’t use it in this column for a cheap laugh as much as I‘d like to.
Now, the average newspaper columnist is about as predictable as a healthy person’s bowel movements. Trump will say something. A Democrat will react. And the columnist will respond to the reaction.
But you lucky rascals in Lake Country have me, and I’m not predictable. I can be subversive, but it’s all part of my effort to help my neighbors thrive in a world full of indifference, chaos, and enmity.
So, this week — as a public service — I’m going to save you money.
If you follow my advice, you will save enough to upgrade your BMW from that silly-looking Z4 to a real car, an M8 perhaps.
Then you can donate the Z4 to me as a gesture of gratitude.
But in order to save money, we’re going to have to visit a place most columnists would never write about: the bathroom.
Point of fact, in the early days of television, networks wouldn’t even allow a toilet to be shown, but 68 years ago this week — Oct. 11, 1957, to be precise — viewers finally saw a toilet tank in an episode of “Leave it to Beaver.”
Wally and the Beave found themselves in possession of a baby alligator that they had to hide somewhere, so Ward and June wouldn’t find it. They chose the toilet tank.
Alfred Hitchcock did them one better in “Psycho” when he showed Janet Leigh tossing scraps of paper into an actual toilet bowl.
Scandalous!
Since then, the bathroom has become a familiar setting for Hollywood, including the scene from “Dumb and Dumber” when Jeff Daniels drinks laxative-spiked tea and performs “a couple of hours of porcelain gymnastics,” as the actor told Variety.
“Dumb and Dumber” should’ve ended our reluctance to broach the subject of restrooms, but it can still bother some folks.
Not us. Into the bathroom we go. First, let’s talk about soap. If you want your soap to last significantly longer, use a washcloth. Google AI says so.
And what about shampoo? If you buy shampoo that you pump out, don’t throw it away when it stops coming out. Toss the pump, put some water in the bottle, and you’ll get five more shampoos. Those two practices alone should save you $50 a year.
According to Google AI, using less shampoo will make the bottle last longer, but if you need Google to figure that out, you'd better put a USB port in your skull and stay connected to the cloud at all times.
Now, we move from shampoo to the poo poo, or poop as parents of young children sometimes call it, to avoid the dreaded “S” word.
The word poop has its origins in the French word poupe, which means the rear part of a boat or stern, hence the phrase poop deck. FYI, the bathroom on a boat is called a head, but you won’t find a poop head on the poop deck. You might find one or two in Washington, D.C., though.
Speaking of hind portions, I recently bought a 12-pack of toilet paper at Dollar General for $5. A fair price, I thought. Then I saw a 12-pack of the same brand on sale at Ingles for $4.95. Slightly different package configuration, but basically the same thing. So, I decided to dig deeper.
The Dollar General product had 173 sheets per roll, and the Ingles variety had 231 sheets. Basically, you got four extra rolls of toilet paper if you bought the Ingles offering.
That M8 is definitely in your future now.
I hope this bit of purchasing knowledge helps your bottom line. You don’t want to waste money on something that dissolves in water.
Finally, a friend recently suggested the Cincinnati Reds logo looks like a toilet seat.
And to think some people complain about the tomahawk chop.
Selah.