You’re back, dear reader. Good! I would have been disappointed if you hadn’t come back.
If you missed it, last week’s column concluded with me on a hospital bed with electrodes attached to my chest and IVs stuck in both arms.
My heart rate had alarmed medical professionals at St. Mary’s Good Samaritan Hospital, and they suggested I might need to spend the night there as they tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
Machines buzzed and beeped, and the seconds ticked by as I stared at a clock on the wall above the door.
Like the old Batman cliffhanger shows, my fate hung in the balance.
Remember when the Joker and his goons chained Batman and Venus up and fed Robin to a giant clam the size of a grand piano?
Would the Boy Wonder meet his doom in the jaws of Joker’s carnivorous coastal creature?
To find out what happened, you had to tune in the next night: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel.
By Wednesday, Batman had gathered himself, broke out of his chains, pried open the mighty mollusk, and rescued the floundering Boy Wonder.
Robin could not fathom how Batman accomplished such a feat.
“Everyman has his own unknown inner strength during a crisis, Robin,” Batman exclaimed.
Thankfully, no one at the hospital asked me to pry open a giant clam, so my heart rate slowed, and Dr. Gage released me. I was given prescriptions, including some cough medicine the doctor thought might help me sleep.
Hallelujah!
I had slept so little of late that I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous collapse.
But when I got to Publix to get my medicine, the pharmacy was closed for New Year’s Day.
“Holy Sheep Counter, Batman. Imma need somodat inner strength right now.”
I had anticipated relief, but that relief had been postponed.
I wasn’t sure I could last another 18 hours until the pharmacy opened, so I decided to buy some Nyquil and hope for the best.
When I got home, I drank a couple of shots of the “nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine,” but for a time, I experienced the same inability to sleep.
Eventually, though, the exhaustion prevailed, and I slept. Then dreams came: (In the first version of this column, I described some of the dreams, but it occurred to me that someone’s mother might read this, so I decided to leave the descriptions out.
One involved a sentient space heater, and another featured one of my old girlfriends.
Fortunately, the old girlfriend was in a much better mood than the last time I saw her.)
The following day, I obtained my medications at last. I read the directions, and then checked on the possible side effects, which included “unusual dreams” for one of the pills.
You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. I was just one lousy dream away from the booby hatch already.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing, so I took my medicines and waited for the rats and snakes to crawl out of my subconscious. But no rats or snakes came.
Ironically, I slept like Rip Van Winkle.
I don’t even recall having any dreams.
About a week later, I saw a cardiologist, Dr. Patel, in Athens. He sent me back to Good Samaritan Hospital for tests and ordered a 90-day supply of the “unusual dream” medicine.
My horrible cough soon disappeared, and I felt a bit better each day.
I stopped worrying about the dreams and decided that the side-effect warning was just something a pharmaceutical company lawyer insisted upon.
After all, what harm could an unusual dream do?
A few nights ago, I dreamt about my ex-girlfriend again, but this time, she was not in a good mood. I have plenty of experience with this.
She stood there staring at me with her hands on her hips.
Holy rejected romance, Batman, what was I to do?
Only one option occurred to me.
So, I gave her my best smile, winked, and said, “You can’t know how much I’ve missed you, baby. You look fabulous.
Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.”
Selah.
I’ll see you in my dreams, hold you in my dreams, Someone took you out of my arms, still I feel the thrill of your charms; Lips that once were mine, tender eyes that shine, They will light my way tonight, I’ll see you in my dreams.
– “I’ll See You in My Dreams” lyrics by Gus Kahn (1924) (Part 2)