Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry And them good ole boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye Singin’ “This’ll be the day that I die” American Pie, Don McClean
A couple of weeks ago, columnist Ronda Rich attempted to answer on these pages, the age-old question people from north of the Mason-Dixon line often ask: “What makes a good ole boy (GOB)?”
I’m sure Ronda’s heart was in the right place, but the GOB she described sounded like the male love interest from a Hallmark movie. Didn’t ring true to me. And I know about such things. Shoot, my daddy had cornbread and milk for dessert almost every day of his life.
So, as a GOB emeritus who still has some access to the mythical network, I have some thoughts on Ronda’s assessment.
First, Ronda tried to argue that a GOB disputing a bad call during a high school football home game is usually right.
Au contraire, mon ami!
I have covered hundreds of high school football games, and I can assure you at least 75 percent of the criticism coming from the stands is irrational nonsense – which is to be expected since most of the fans are relatives, friends, or classmates of the home team’s players. Interpretations of penalties offered by fans are almost Orwellian in nature. Blocking is holding. Holding is blocking. An incomplete pass is pass interference. Tackling Mama’s baby boy is always a personal foul.
And woe unto the coach who isn’t letting Mama’s baby boy play. In such cases, the GOB representing the GOG (Good Ole Girl) is required to stay after the game and harangue said coach with threats to continued employment and his sweet deal with the local auto dealership.
According to Ronda, GOBs do chores on Saturdays until the SEC college football games start.
Au contraire, mon ami!
Chores can wait till Monday, Ronda, because most of the GOBs will be on the golf course Saturday morning until it is time to go to the package store for game supplies.
Also, Ronda seems to believe there is some sort of community support agreement between fans of SEC schools on Saturdays.
Au contraire, mon ami!
In the SEC, there are no alliances. Florida fans don’t come to Georgia’s defense because Kentucky’s coach said something mean. Ever! That’s why college football games have always been played on Saturdays. It gives Auburn fans two days to cool off after losing to Alabama so that fights don’t break out at work on Monday.
However, Ronda got a few things right about GOBs: “He drives a truck … Sometimes, a nice one, but he always has a beat-up one for the rough roads. And, most likely, the radio station is tuned to country music.”
My Dodge qualifies as a “beat-up one” even though the roughest road I drive on regularly is Scott Road – which is finally getting some attention this week.
But GOBs are not necessarily stuck with Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard. Some GOBs like Drake and Niki Minaj, although I can’t understand her appeal.
As for me, I don’t listen to the radio that much, but I’ve got Miles Davis and Big Bill Broonzy CDs in my truck when I want music. Might even listen to Pink Floyd if I take a notion.
Ronda also says, “Good ole boys love their mamas. They know they can count on her for homemade biscuits, their favorite cake, and a piece of wisdom when they need it most.”
I loved my mama, but sadly, homemade biscuits weren’t exactly her forte. My dad once joked that my mother’s homemade biscuits were so hard they could have been substituted for ordinance during the Vietnam War.
So, we always ate a variety of flaky layers from the can.
But nobody made better salmon patties than my mama. Nobody!
Truth be told, I would be much better off if I’d listened to more of her pearls of wisdom, such as this classic she uttered when Russell R. talked me into swimming in the creek in my school clothes: “If Russell jumps off a cliff are you going to jump off, too?”
Like Obi Wan Kenobi once asked: “Who’s more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?” * But metaphorically, I just followed Ronda off a cliff by writing this. Sorry, Mama!
*Fourth straight column with a Star Wars reference.