Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Robert Hanlon
(This one is for you, Mr. Charlie.)
A couple of weeks ago, I attempted to explain how Democrats and Republicans differ when confronted with underwear dilemmas. My analysis was spot on, as it always is, but it was only of theoretical interest. Obviously, you can’t always know what’s going on inside someone’s pants, nor would you want to in most situations.
So, I decided to develop more practical methods of identifying Democrats and Republicans.
Here’s a recent example: When leaving a grocery store yesterday, I saw a man push his buggy up over a curb far from any of the conveniently located buggy corrals the store had so considerately provided.
Liberal swine, I thought. You’re not getting away with that this time.
“Hey, buddy, why don’t you put that buggy where it belongs?” I shouted.
“My feet hurt,” the man said. “And it’s a cart, you rude S.O.B., not a buggy.”
If the fact that this carpetbagger lets others take care of things he should take care of himself didn’t prove he was a liberal, his predilection for name-calling cinched it.
Then he climbed into his Mercedes and tried to drive away.
“Not so fast, Mercedes Marxist,” I yelled and stepped in front of his car. “The young men and women who are charged with retrieving those buggies have feet, too. These are the American workers you profess to care so much about. Yet you have just demonstrated your indifference to their plight.”
“Get away from my car, fascist lunatic,” he said as his window was sliding shut to obscure his face behind tinted glass.
I then reported his window tint violation to the Greene County Sheriff’s Office, which is run by a Republican, by the way.
You have to deal harshly with the sinister forces of the left or face a future without ANY grocery buggies at all, a situation advocated by Libertarians who believe grocery buggy availability causes higher food prices.
Speaking of grocery stores . . .
Another place to easily differentiate Democrats from Republicans is the express lane checkout.
If you see someone in a line reserved for customers with “10 items or less” and their buggy is so heavy that a team of Clydesdales is pulling it, you have just identified a Democrat who has little regard for fairness or the travails of cashiers and grocery baggers.
I mean, can you picture Chuck Schumer in the express line with an overloaded buggy pretending to be indifferent to the express lane rules as he scrolls through Twitter on his iPhone, muttering obscenities about Donald Trump? Of course, you can.
Now, can you picture J.D. Vance doing something like that? No, sir! Absolutely not! Well, maybe the obscenities about the Trump part.
Perhaps during a national security crisis, you might catch ol’ J.D. trying to sneak 11 or 12 items through the express line. Still, he’ll be apologizing profusely to the cashier for being such a rat the entire time.
A Libertarian, however, will go to the self-checkout with a buggy containing 700 jars of assorted salad dressing and baby food only to scan each one with the care someone might use while defusing a bomb.
The possibly homicidal man with a bag of chips in his basket who is in line behind the Libertarian is a Republican. The Democrats, as I have said, are all in the express line torturing cashiers who have to scan as well as bag purchases.
But not all Republicans are saints. Some of them are petty tyrants, especially when it comes to questions of who should claim the title of most polite.
Recently, I approached a sliding grocery store door at the same time as a Republican. I could tell his party affiliation by the visor, polo shirt, and Bermuda shorts.
“Go ahead, sir,” I said with a wave of my hand.
“No, you go first,” he said.
We went back and forth for 30 seconds, until I said: “You ain’t the boss of me.”
“Age before beauty,” he said.
Before I could counter his ageist remark, we were both pushed aside by Clydesdales belonging to Democrat Senator Raphael Warnock.
Now that you are equipped with new assessment tools, you can judge people without listening to anything they say. Hooray for the First Amendment.
Selah.