At bottom, every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Anyone who is even slightly self-aware understands the value of organic diversity.
Shoot, I’m glad not everyone is like me.
In a world full of T. Michaels, many things would not exist, because no one would have any interest in pursuing them, including the medical science of proctology, professional soccer leagues, and sushi.
But those are cosmetic items when considered from an existential perspective and not essential for the proliferation of human societies.
However, I do have one characteristic that would have a negative impact if it were universal: a fear of stories.
I’m not talking about newspaper stories; I’m talking about buildings.
Since I have a somewhat irrational fear of heights, a lack of diversity would mean that no one would have ever considered adding a second story to anything.
Let me illustrate. Yesterday, I saw a ladder propped up on the side of the “Filet” restaurant in Lake Oconee Village and a couple of men standing on the roof near the edge. The scene gave me vertigo. Without the slightest hesitation, the men lowered their legs over the side, found the ladder without seeming to look, and climbed down.
I would have needed a helicopter and a powerful sedative to get off that building.
On the plus side, a world full of T. Michaels would have been a much safer one for firemen and window washers, with fewer targets for terrorists. It would have also negated the need for stairs, elevators, cranes, and ladders.
On the other hand, halting the vertical progress of buildings would likely have resulted in deleterious sprawl, more greenhouse gases, and accelerated global warming. So, let’s not leave shelter, one of the necessities of life, to T. Michael Stone and people like him.
Inexplicably, my fear of heights has not affected my attitude toward air travel, so airplanes would have been developed just like they were, though I doubt that engineers as lazy as I am would have bothered to create a jet engine when the propellers seemed to be working relatively well.
Another example of how diversity saves civilization from rampant T. Michaelism is the fact that we have farmers who know how to grow and raise things that are edible.
The only plants I have ever successfully grown were peppers, although I have, on occasion, raised a little Cain.
Last summer I grew quite the crop of peppers, including ghost peppers, sweet peppers, serrano peppers, and habanero peppers. My peas never came up, and my tomato plant fell off the balustrade during a thunderstorm.
If you were living in T. Michael Stonia, a balanced diet would have included a variety of sweet peppers combined with supplemental hot peppers. (Some say the number of lobes on a pepper determines its gender. Some say that’s a myth. Even if it’s true, they can be rendered genderfluid with a powerful render-gender blender).
So, let’s not leave food, one of the necessities of life, to T. Michael Stone and people like him.
And while we’re on the subject of peppers, here’s a helpful tip for cooks.
Make sure you wash your hands after slicing up serrano or habanero peppers, or your next trip to the restroom might result in severe discomfort in unmentionable regions.
I believe I have made it clear that organic diversity is beneficial when nature is allowed to take its course and a wide variety of human talents are spread across the population.
If all everyone did every day was write newspaper columns, the world would fall apart PDQ.
So, don’t put T. Michael Stone in front of a sewing machine and expect him to produce a shirt. Let’s not leave clothing, the last of the necessities of life, to T. Michael Stone and people like him.
Let him do what he does until Chat GPT takes it away for good.
So, here’s T. Michael’s new word of the week. You may have bad-mouthed someone. You may have trash-talked. But have you ever discussed anybody?
Selah.