Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble When you’re perfect in every way I can’t wait to look in the mirror 'Cause I get better lookin’ each day
- Mac Davis
Staff writers at the Lake Oconee News are asked to list the stories they plan to write on what we call a “story list” each week. Aren’t we creative?
I wrote the word “column” on that list this week before I even had the slightest idea what I was going to write about.
But as the deadline approached, my anxiety about subject matter faded when I realized that no matter what I said, it would be filled with wisdom and insight.
This is one of the few positive byproducts of aging. “You don’t get to be old being a fool,” as Richard Pryor once put it.
I am now so full of knowledge . . .
[Hey, I heard that remark].
. . . that I should probably charge a fee for allowing anyone in the same room with me.
Without question, they would all leave the room enriched, enamored, and endowed with more percipience than they thought possible.
It is my goal to provide as much guidance as possible to those I can help.
So, in an effort to help you understand the fundamental difference between Democrats and Republicans, I’d like to talk to you about my underwear.
I could talk about my shirts or my pants, but underwear works better when talking about politics.
Now, I have about 15 pairs of underwear from various brands: Everlast, Adidas, etc.
About four pairs are boxer shorts. There are briefs I bought out of a clearance sale buggy parked near the entrance to a Walmart store. The rest are boxer briefs, some made of cotton, and some of a shiny fabric that I believe is nylon.
I have five pairs that I like to wear, two of which are relatively comfortable pairs, and the rest – especially the briefs – are less than ideal.
Now, I could wear just the five that I like to wear and leave the rest out of the rotation. But if I did that, the ones I like would wear out faster, forcing me to wear the ones I don’t want all the time or buy some new ones.
So, I try to keep them all in the underwear rotation, wearing the boxers with sweat pants and the shiny nylon ones with dress pants or jeans. I bought the briefs to wear with a specific size of pants I own, but too many donuts and Twinkies are causing the waistbands to shrink. I force myself to wear them on some days regardless of comfort or style.
It’s a sacrifice a man just has to make.
Now, if you’re a man who makes such sacrifices, you are most likely a Republican.
But if you are one of those men who just toss out perfect underwear because you don’t like them anymore, you are a liberal Democrat—no question about it.
Republicans make do with what they have. Democrats discard perfect briefs and take no responsibility for buying them in the first place.
I hope that helps you when you vote next time. Be inclusive with your underwear. Vote Republican.
Now for a couple of jokes.
The other day I was out on my deck hanging Halloween ornaments now that it is officially September, and I noticed several of my neighbors watching me. I made a speech about the dangers of Marxism while I was hanging the ornaments on my deck. It was a decoration.
Ba-dump-bump. I made a similar speech during chemistry class in high school, but it was in a laboratory setting.
I will give you a minute to compose yourself.
I regret to inform you that the previous joke will never leave your mind. Every time you hear or see the word laboratory, you will remember it from now until the Kingdom Come.
Last one. There was a commotion in, let’s say, Woodville, because I talked to the mayor of that town the other day, and a news reporter was dispatched.
Reporter: Sir, sir, what happened?
Random dude: A gunfight. A man shot at me, but he only hit my weapon.
Reporter: What kind of weapon do you have?
Random dude: A shotgun.
Selah.