“T for Texas, T for Tennessee, T for Thelma, that gal that made a wreck out of me.” — “Blue Yodel No. 1,” Jimmie Rodgers
I found a pack of cigarettes the other day and briefly considered lighting one up to see if it would help me write. I’ve seen photos of Aldous Huxley, William Faulkner, and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. puffing away, as if they were enjoying themselves.
I never tried the experiment, though, so I’m writing without the aid of nicotine again this week.
Anyway, I had already started a column called “What’s in a Name,” so let’s finish it.
When I was a child, I couldn’t understand why everyone called John F. Kennedy “Jack” instead of “John.” Did he dislike his name because “John” was also slang for a bathroom (or “the head,” as we called it in the Navy)?
Of course, history remembers him as JFK, and his brother as RFK. The best Teddy could do was NOT OK.
I eventually learned that Jack is a nickname for John, just as Mick is a nickname for Michael.
Mick Jagger’s real name is Sir Michael Philip Jagger, the “Sir” added after Prince Charles knighted him. Julie Andrews received the same honor, though she is known as Dame Julie Andrews.
So let us harmonize a bit, shall we?
“Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun. Me, a name I call myself …”*
Who needs nicotine when you have Julie Andrews?
My initials are TMS, which, according to Wikipedia, also stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation — a treatment that can help people quit smoking.
These days, many basketball players are known by their initials, like SGA (Shai Gilgeous-Alexander), the reigning NBA MVP. The Atlanta Hawks have NAW (Nickeil Alexander-Walker). But I wouldn’t want to be called NAW — that sounds like something you’d do to a chicken wing, or what you’d say if someone offered you a cigarette.
I noticed recently that all four people in the Lake Oconee News office share the same initial — M, the 13th letter of the alphabet: Matt, Maria, Melissa, and Michael.
Is that unlucky? Three former staffers were Lynn, Leigh, and Lee. That gives us L followed by M — or L&M.
Does that make you want a cigarette?
The L&M brand name comes from Liggett & Myers, now owned by Philip Morris International. According to Wikipedia, L&M once advertised its filtered cigarettes as “Just What the Doctor Ordered.”
Does that include a chest X-ray?
Since I’m not especially creative, I might use “Elanem” as my rapper name one day — or maybe “Fat Sunny.”
Don’t scoff. I’ve written a rap song called “From You” that I think is pretty good. It’s a dark take on how entertainers get rich. Here’s a sample:
Imma put another Benjamin there on my stack
I’ll give you a quarter
Take a sawbuck back
From you
Even I can sing it.
When I was in the Navy, all the Black sailors smoked Kools and all the white sailors smoked Marlboros. The snipes working below the waterline opened their packs from the bottom to avoid getting grease on the filters.
Air Vice Marshal Sidney Osborne Blufton, who served in the Royal Air Force during World War II, had nearly perfect initials for a military man — S.O.B.
Pavel Osipovich Sukhoi, the Soviet aircraft designer, had less fortunate initials: P.O.S. He made up for it by designing excellent planes. Still, I can’t help but imagine a pilot using those initials in a different context during a nosedive.
Oliver Max Gardner died in 1947, long before his initials came to mean “Oh my God.”
Gardner-Webb University in Boiling Springs, North Carolina, is named for him and his wife, Faye Webb.
Wikipedia — which says a lot of things — claims there are more than 7 million articles on the site.
Alas, not one about me.
I don’t feel seen. Selah.
From The Sound of Music, lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II.