Dating means two things: disillusionment or a racing heart.
-- Mae West
I found myself at the Georgia Writers’ Museum in Eatonton last Saturday to participate in the Speed Dating with a Publisher event.
All three representatives from Warren Publishing were attractive females, and after a while, I completely forgot about the novel I had written and the reason I was there in the first place: the excerpt I had sent for evaluation.
“Forget about that novel nonsense,” I said. “Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about our future together.”
I’m pulling your leg, of course. I’m not the scoundrel I sometimes pretend to be in these columns, and I really was there to see if the ladies might have some insights on how I could get my novel published.
Here’s the opening paragraph of the novel I’m talking about.
See what you think: With every sunrise, the stars and planets reorient themselves, every new square on the calendar corresponding to yet another unique alignment of the hurtling celestial bodies. And we will find Cagney at the center of it all. We will find him riding an infinitesimal speck of sand as it drifts among the vast wheels and gears of the cosmic orrery, everything spinning and whirling and diving toward its preordained destination.
That could very well be about anyone. Even you, right?
Three paragraphs later, you learn that Cagney is in prison.
A few paragraphs after that,t you find out that Cagney plans to escape. Thus, begins the adventure... or love story, or whatever you want to call it.
The story has undergone significant changes from its original iteration, which involved a Greek gladiator from 900 B.C. playing football for the Atlanta Falcons. Don’t ask.
The ladies from Warren Publishing restored some of my waning confidence in the novel, especially Amy Trainor Ashby, the vice-president and editor-in-chief.
She used words like “quirky” and “clever” and said she laughed quite a bit.
We talked for about half an hour, and then I spoke with Marketing Director Lacey Cope, who managed to predict a plot twist in my novel with surprising accuracy. I guess these publishing house gals know their business.
I then had my “date” with President Mindy Kuhn, and I asked her the tough question: “How rich am I likely to get?” Sadly, she would not promise me results similar to those of horror icon Stephen King.
But I enjoyed myself, and I have renewed hope in the story.
More information will be available on that in the coming weeks or months.
Speaking of dating, I signed myself up on one of the internet dating apps during a moment of weakness when it didn’t seem to matter much what the results might be.
Nothing very exciting happened for a few months, and I was about ready to delete my profile when I received a private message from a woman who said she was also a writer.
We sent a few messages back and forth, and she sent me a link to her author page.
I reciprocated by sending her some links to my stuff.
When I finally got around to reading some of her short stories, I was blown away.
“Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you,” I gasped just like Madeline Kahn after a tryst with the monster in Young Frankenstein.
Brilliant, beautiful, literate. She checked all the boxes. Amazingly, she found one of my reflections on golf hilarious and also liked a Halloween piece I did about Central State Hospital in Milledgeville.
Soon, we were discussing the logistics of meeting somewhere for lunch. I was beginning to feel like I was in high school again.
Curiosity got the better of me, so I looked and found her Facebook page.
What I discovered was somewhat disconcerting. I was getting attached to a very politically minded individual, and some of her opinions didn't align with mine well. I worried that if I merely said the name “Trump,” snakes would spring from her head and she would turn me to stone.
I decided to be honest with her and let go of the dream before we both wound up disappointed. But then I had an epiphany.
Do I really need to have my own opinions? As magnificent as she is, perhaps I should just let her tell me what to think. I might be better off.
Selah.