I run for re-election every week. Even though the editors appreciate the fact that I am a dead ringer for a young Brad Pitt and occasionally I’m correct on the difference between affect and effect, they want eyeballs right where you happen to be looking at this moment.
Otherwise, they might replace me with a series of columns on 50 Ways to Fold a Shirt. Or, maybe just leave this space blank and see if you will notice. Either way, it would require me to go find a real job.
The thought of that gives me chills.
What the editors expect from me weekly is to provide you with the most accurate and up-to-date analysis of world events in a clear and concise format, with plenty of commas, gerunds, and subordinating conjunctions thrown in for good measure.
That is where Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, comes in. Junior doesn’t know a lot about subordinating conjunctions and the like, but he is highly respected for his insights on world events, as well as his expertise in pest control.
The man can talk to you about the impact of devaluing of the Laotian Kip currency (21,600 kip to one U.S. dollar as of this writing) on President Trump’s trade policies, as well as how to apply carbaryl-based insecticides to eradicate chinch bugs. That is a rare combination.
Therefore, it came as a bit of a shock when I learned that Junior E. Lee, the creator of the highly respected Round or Square Polls, whose motto, “You provide the dough and we’ll cook the numbers,” was not invited to join a new polling consortium called the National Association of Independent Pollsters (NAIP). Its members include Rasmussen Reports, The Trafalgar Group, Big Data Poll, and James Magazine, considered the Bible of Georgia politics (or the Trikaya, if you’re Buddhist).
The announcement of the group’s formation states it will be adding new members in the future, and membership will be by invitation only. The criterion for membership is “a U.S.-based entity with a cumulative record of published public polling with a high degree of accuracy/low error rate.” That is right in Junior E’s wheelhouse.
Greater Garfield is located in eastern Emanuel County, Georgia, within the United States of America. This makes the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company a U.S.-based entity, just as Porky is a pig.
As far as a cumulative record of published public polling with a high degree of accuracy/low error rate, Junior checks all the boxes. He was, in fact, the only pollster to survey residents of the Okefenokee regarding their views on the effort to mine their homeland for the minerals necessary to make toothpaste whitener.
He also correctly predicted Albert the Alligator would eat everybody at Twin Pines Minerals if they didn’t get their keisters out of his swamp and hightail it back to Alabama. And we all know how that turned out. That alone should earn Junior membership in the National Association of Independent Pollsters.
Goodness knows he is about as independent as they come. But knowing him as I do, I can tell you that he would not accept membership in the group, even if it came with a Dollar Tree discount card. Pest control professionals are proud people.
Junior looks down on anyone — particularly pollsters — who think a stylops is some kind of fancy haircut when, in fact, it is a twisted-wing insect with flabellate antennae covered in specialized chemoreceptors.
I was dreading the thought of having to tell Junior he hadn’t been invited to join the NAIP when I got a text saying he would be unavailable for the afternoon. He said he is at Aunt Flossie Felmer’s house, poking around in her drawers looking for fire ants. I wonder.
Even though Junior E. Lee isn’t a part of the polling in-crowd, he is an indispensable part of my effort to keep you abreast of world events with up-to-date analyses seen nowhere else except on these pages. If I can do that successfully, the editor will no doubt be satisfied, and I won’t have to go find a real job, and you won’t have to read about 50 Ways to Fold a Shirt. Thank you, Junior.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.