In the year 4545, Ain’t gonna need your teeth, won’t need your eyes. You won’t find a thing to chew. Nobody’s gonna look at you “In the Year 2525” by Rick Evans.
I apologize for abandoning the episodic nature that usually characterizes newspaper columns in favor of serialized storytelling at the conclusion of 2025. I attempted to offer you, dear reader, a story as a Christmas gift. I didn’t win the $1.8 billion Powerball jackpot, so that was the best I could do for such a large population.
I didn’t get anybody else anything, so consider yourself fortunate. Hey, it’s better than a candle, which was about all I got.
My sister tried to argue that the gift card she gave me was a birthday and Christmas present, since the two are only a few days apart. But I’m not buying it, sis. I’m putting it to the readers. Her birthday is close to Halloween, and mine is close to Christmas. Who you gonna believe?
But “the old year now away is fled. The new year now is entered,” and we have to move on.
So, let’s get the new year off to a good start with a predictable column containing a few all too predictable predictions.
1. 99 percent of the population will be dating checks with the wrong year until at least April. I’m going to write one dated Jan. 1, 2525, and see if it clears five centuries early. I will then hold a world record for a postdated check.
2. Attention gamblers: The Seattle Seahawks will defeat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LX to be played at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, unless (more on this later). In related news, carbon dating will reveal that anyone who remembers Super Bowl I between the Packers and Chiefs came a long way before dirt and predates actual soil by several years.
3. California Governor Gavin Newsom will say something so explosively stupid it will cause a shift in the San Andreas fault and push everything west of San Jose into the Pacific Ocean, forcing the cancellation of Super Bowl LX. He will blame MAGA(Make Anaheim Go Away).
4. Some Morgan County residents will continue to oppose the Rivian plant. Ironically, most area farmers remain convinced that Governor Brian Kemp is a plant himself, perhaps a beet. No cars will be built, but pigs frolicking in the mud holes created by site construction will learn to fly.
5. The Greene County BOC will hire a consulting firm to figure out why Greene County has traffic problems on its side of Hwy 44 at Lake Oconee, while traffic seems to vanish on the Putnam County side. Both counties will conveniently blame everything on GDOT.
6. Someone will post this on the Nextdoor social media site: “Just moved here from Vegas. Can anyone recommend a good strip club or brothel?” It will become the week’s top post, and T. Michael Stone will howl with joy as he reads the predictable responses.
7. The Los Angeles Dodgers will win the World Series again and immediately move to Tokyo after a homesick Shohei Ohtani purchases the team. Pearl Harbor will be placed on full alert. Trump will tell American Toyota owners to stop bragging about how dependable their Corollas are or be deported to North Korea.
8. Donald Trump will also announce that LGBTQ now stands for lettuce, garlic, bananas, tortellini, and quince, which is a sort of pear, in case you are wondering. Some squeamish Democrats afraid of being called “woke” will insist the letters stand for lobsters, goats, bats, tarantulas, and quahogs. The Supreme Court will side with Trump because most of the justices are afraid of bats and tarantulas. Trump claims Congress is a swamp full of old goats and old bats anyway. In related news, Trump will also start calling MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) "margarine turnip greens" and AOC (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) "Amish okra casserole." Recipes will be released before the midterms.
9. The Publix in Putnam County will have the same BOGOs as the Publix in Greene County.
10. T. Michael Stone won’t write anything like this again . . . unless he runs out of ideas at 5 a.m. and the deadline is looming . . . like now.
Happy New Year!