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Madison tops dubious list

April 01, 2019 - 13:24
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Today, the City of Madison was once again named to an exclusive list, but this time the honor is not so flattering.

According to the Georgia Department of Psychological Studies, the City of Madison has been named the “most uptight city in Georgia.”

Study facilitator Mag Wheeler said Madison stood out clearly among Georgia municipalities.

“Our research has shown that Madison residents spend more time worrying about insignificant nonsense per capita than residents of any other city in the state,” Wheeler said.

Reached while waiting in his psychiatrist’s office, Madison’s assistant interim mayor pro tem Harry Pate reacted predictably, calling the study itself nonsense.

“I’ve got far too much to worry about already to worry about some list put together by people who don’t have anything else to worry about,” Pate said.

Morgan County’s other municipalities didn’t make the list.

“In my opinion, Rutledge and Bostwick help keep Morgan County from a experiencing a mass nervous breakdown,” Wheeler said.  “Otherwise, all the pent-up anxiety Madison residents endure would lead to serious emotional and digestive problems.”

Buckhead didn’t actually qualify for the list, because it’s a town and not a city at all according to Wheeler. However, data suggests that Buckhead is a pretty relaxed place.

Buckhead’s city advocate, Edgar Allan Potato, said he felt most Buckhead residents were laid back unless someone brought up Bryce Harper and the Philadelphia Phillies.

Greensboro and Eatonton didn’t make the list either, according to Wheeler.

“After a visit to the downtown areas of Greensboro and Eatonton, it was clear to us that residents there don’t care about much of anything,” Wheeler said. “However, we did notice some anxiety in Eatonton over the fact that Madison has a Chick-fil-A and Greensboro is getting one.”

According to Wheeler, the study was initiated to find out if living in a town named to any of the numerous “Best Cities to Live In” lists added stress to daily life or if living in a city not named to such lists contributed to feelings of inferiority.

“It may seem counterintuitive, but it’s actually better to live in one of Georgia’s many cesspools than to live in a city like Madison, where everyone worries about everything all the time,” Wheeler said.

Wheeler also said that millennials are leaving cities like Madison in droves.

“Why would a young person care about a bunch of old houses?” Wheeler said. “Most of the millennials we talked to said they prefer cities overrun by cats and decorated with graffiti.”

And oh, by the way, Happy April Fool’s Day.